Hi, This Is Luke, Leave A Message
by Lucillia
Summary: Hi Luke, this is Mon Mothma. I know you admire me as one of the great leaders of the Rebellion, but stealing my underwear is going a little too far.
1. Luke's Inbox between ESB and RoTJ

Hi, this is Luke Skywalker. I'm out fighting the Empire right now, but if you leave a message after the beep I'll get back to you...

BEEEEP

Luke, this is your father. Look...About that whole dismembering thing at Bespin...I'm sorry. The offer to rule The Galaxy as father and son still stands.

BEEEEP

Luke, it's Mon Mothma. I know you admire me as one of the greatest leaders of the Rebellion, but stealing my underwear is going a little too far.

BEEEEP

Luke, it's your father again. I know you're still a little upset with me for cutting your hand off, but that's no reason to avoid me like you have. Before I killed my last therapist, he suggested that I try repairing our relationship by engaging in some father-son activities. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is... How about we go to Imperial City and kill the Emperor together?

BEEEEP

Um, Mister Skywalker. This is Anchorhead Holovid Rentals. The copy of Jawas Gone Wild you rented is three and a half years overdue. Do you think you can get it back to us anytime this decade? Thanks, Bye.

BEEEEP

Luke, this is your father again. My new therapist suggested that I should find a less violent activity for an initial bonding experience before I strangled him. How about fishing? That's always popular. I hear that they have some very big fish on Dorumaa.

BEEEEP

Luke, it's Leia. Combining our parties because we share the same birthday was an absolutely stupid idea, and we are never doing it again. Please come and drag your buddies out of my quarters so I can take a shower. Thanks, bye.

BEEEEP

Luke, it's your father. I'm calling to wish you a happy birthday. I got you a Star Destroyer, but you'll have to join me to get it.

BEEEEP

Hi, my name is Mitth'raw'nuruodo but most people call me Thrawn. Uh, I don't usually do this, but I found this comm code in the personals under Hot Blonde Looking For A Good Time and thought I might give it a try. Is Luke a nickname or short for something? Come to think of it you sound like a male. Damn. Forget I called. Bye.

BEEEEP

Hello, this is Captain Pellaeon of the Chimera. I too am blonde, however I have brown eyes. I like taking long walks on a beach under the stars, the Imperial ballet, alien holodramas, commanding a Star Destroyer, and touring history museums. Fortunately for you darling, I'm Bisexual. Call me and we can talk.

BEEEEP

Luke, this is your father. I'm beginning to wonder if you ever check your messages. I know I haven't been the best father in the universe, but posing as a woman in the personals section of the Imperial Times is not the healthiest way to seek the love and attention that you didn't receive during your childhood. Frankly it's quite disturbing. Call me and we can try and find a way to work through this. By the way, I removed the ad and threatened to strangle anyone who tries to answer it with my bare hands.

BEEEEP

Hi Luke, this is Wedge. Sorry about the ad I placed in the Imperial Times. Can I please have my General Kenobi action figure back now?

BEEEEP

Luke, this is your father yet again. I'm willing to help you work through your apparent gender confusion issue if you'll just talk to me. I'll be here for you when you need me. Bye.

BEEEEP

Uh, Luke. This is Wedge again. Um, do you remember the holos from that costume contest where you dressed up as the Queen of Naboo? Well, I kinda, sorta, accidentially posted them on the Holonet. Pleasedon'tkillme.

BEEEEP

Luke, it's your father. My latest therapist said I should be supportive of your choices. Well, if you want to be a woman...I, well I always wanted a daughter. The annual Imperial Ball is coming up and I have a dress of your mother's that would look great on you.

BEEEEP

Yoda, this is. Come back by now, you should have. Promise to finish your training, you did. Keep promises as well as your father, you do. Most likely never see you again, I will.

BEEEEP

Luke, this is your father. Thank you for finally calling me. I'm glad you got your sexuality sorted out, but use that language with me again young man and I will track you down and wash your mouth out with soap. We'll never talk about the dress again, ever.

BEEEEP

This is Boba Fett. As soon as I get out of the Hospital, you and that shabla friend of yours will wish you had never been born.

BEEEEP

This is Jidor down in medical regarding the genetic testing you requested. It's a match. The person this, um, genetic sample came from is indeed your sister. For the sake of my sanity I'm not even going to ask where you got the...er, item containing the genetic sample.

BEEEEP

Luke, it's your father. I sensed you approaching the moon of Endor, and was wondering if you would like to go camping with me before I turn you over to my master.


	2. Darth Vader's Inbox during ANH

This is Darth Vader. I'm out crushing the Rebellion, but if you leave a message after the beep I'll get back to you at my convenience...

BEEEEP

Vader, it's your master. Those damned Rebels have stolen the plans to the Death Star and I want you to retrieve them. Don't start complaining. If you had destroyed the Rebels when I told you to, you could be playing with that oversized Star Destroyer you commissioned. While you're out, you may as well stop by Naboo and pick my spare cloaks up from the dry cleaners.

BEEEEP

Um, uh, Lord Vader, this is Earl down at the Imperial City impound lot. I have just been informed that if you don't pay to have your speeder removed in the next ten minutes it's going to have to be auctioned off. Sorry. Pleasedon'tkillmeitwasmybosswhosaidit.

BEEEEP

Vader, it's your master. Why haven't you found those plans yet? If you're still playing with that _Executive _or_ Executioner _or whatever the hell that thing's name is I'm going to come down there an...What do you mean the caterer committed suicide? Well find another one...Where was I? Oh yeah. I want those plans found yesterday!

BEEEEP

Anakin, it's Owen. I want you to come and get your...Why no Beru, I was just calling the neighbors.

BEEEEP

Vader, the plans, find now.

BEEEEP

Hello Vader, Yoda, this is. On a secure line, I am. Trace my call, you cannot. Tell you my location, I will not. Stop prank calling you when drunk I am, I will not. Er hur hur hur.

BEEEEP

Vader, plans.

BEEEEP

Mister Skywalker, er, I mean Vader. This is Mos Espa Holovid Rentals. The copy of Roofa the Friendly Kryat Dragon you rented is thirty two years and three months overdue. Can we please have it back sometime this century? Thanks, bye.

BEEEEP

Vader, do I even need to tell you why I called. Ugh, I'm getting a headache. Find those plans before I let the cleaning droids into that infernal scrap heap you call a room. You'd think the Jedi would've trained you to be neater.

BEEEEP

Lord Vader, my name's Timmy and I'm from Kuat. My school had us do projects on our heroes and I chose you because you're big and scary and you crush all the enemies of the Empire and cut their heads off with your lightsaber. My Uncle who's an Admiral gave me your comm code to talk to you because 'I'm a highly disturbed brat who he would gladly watch get what he deserves.'

BEEEEP

Vader, stop wasting your time with that stupid princess and get me those plans. By the way, when you get back you're giving me a full pedicure and foot massage.

BEEEEP

Lord Vader, it's Timmy again. Did you really mean it? I can actually watch while you kill my Uncle? Thank you very much my Lord. I never liked him anyways, he always sent crappy Lifeday presents.

BEEEEP

Vader, did you guys honestly have to destroy Alderaan? I was planning to go to that new resort spa they just opened near the capitol, but now it's an asteroid field. Couldn't you have waited until next week? My day has now been totally ruined. You'd better make this up to me.

BEEEEP

Lord Vader, this is Captain Thrawn. I must congratulate you on your bold plan to use the new Death Star to destroy the Rebellion once and for all, and will gladly give you information that I believe to be of use. Based on my studies of Rebel urinal grafitti I believe that the attack will consist of small fighters that would most likely be able to get past the Death Star's energy shields which were designed to defend against attacks from much larger craft. They will most likely attack a point that contains some small but fatal design flaw. Best of luck my Lord. The Empire shall see victory on this day.

BEEEEP

Vader, how in the name of the Force could you let a ragtag team of Kriffing idiots destroy such an expensive piece of equipment?! Do you have any idea how much that thing cost, much less the clones that manned the damned thing?! What were you doing while this was going on, playing with yourself? Get back here so I can kick your sorry ass into the next galaxy!

BEEEEP

We destroyed the Death Star! We destroyed the Death Starr! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha...(several hours of gloating and dancing around which included unseen to the voice only inbox many happy Rebels mooning or doing their species' versions of such)...Ha Ha Ha Ha!

BEEEEP

Hello, my name is Luke Skywalker. You killed my father. Prepare to die.


	3. Boba Fett's Inbox between ANH and ESB

This is Boba Fett. I'm out hunting right now, but if you leave a message after the beep, I'll get back to you if I think it's worth my time...

BEEEEP

Boba, it's your brother CT-5674/285 down at the retirement center. I was wondering if you could lend me a couple of credits for the vending machine. The food they give us here could best be described as crap with a side of crap with crap for dessert. Thanks, bye.

BEEEEP

Mr Fett, this is Kit Darvis down at Darvis, Darvis, Kleeborp and Darvis. I must congratulate you on your mysterious ability to be in ten different systems at the same time. All of the genetic tests came back positive. I'll do my best to get you a good deal on the child support. Bye.

BEEEEP

Bob'ika, it's Kal. I was wondering why you haven't shown up at the annual family picnic for the twentieth year in a row. Just remember, we'll be here when you need us.

BEEEEP

Fett, it's Vader. I just got a visual inbox, and well, I want you to find out who this ass belongs to and bring him to me so I can kill him in the most horrible way imaginable. I'm sending you the image right now.

BEEEEP

Boba, it's your brother Darman. Me and Etain have to leave home for a couple of days and I was wondering if you could come by and babysit the kids for us. It would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

BEEEEP

Boba, it's Jabba. I've got an important guest coming by in a week, and I would like you to come down here to stand around looking menacing while he's here.

BEEEEP

Boba, it's your brother Ordo. Did Darman ask you to babysit? For the love of all that's holy, don't do it. Let's just say I found out the hard way why Jedi should never reproduce. You'd think that she should've hit menopause by now.

BEEEEP

The Galactic Hologreetings Company sends you Lifeday greetings from Darman and Etain Skirata and their 37 wonderful children.

BEEEEP

Boba, it's Kal. Your father was a good friend of mine. I've done my best to welcome you into my family. If you don't want to be part of it, that's fine. But, I don't appreciate you insulting those that do. By the way, what in the name of the shabla Force is a rabbit?

BEEEEP

Mr. Fett, this is Vice Admiral Thrawn. Please stop harassing me. Your attempts at capture are interfering with my command. May I point out that holograms are blue and the person in them are not necessarily so. By the way, if I was going to "Expose myself" to Lord Vader, I would've been turned in the other direction.

BEEEEP

Fett, this is Bossk. As soon as I get my hands on you, I'm going to tear you apart and eat your liver. By the way, happy 31st birthday.

BEEEEP

Boba, this is your brother CT-5674/285 again. You still haven't gotten back to me about the credits for the vending machine. I don't know how this is even possible, but the food has somehow gotten even worse. The credits would be much appreciated. Thanks.

BEEEEP

Fett, this is Dengar. Heard you were depressed, and thought you might want to join me and a few of my buddies for drinks. So, you missed. Happens to the best of us. You got to admit, Skywalker and Solo mooning you with the words Happy Birthday written on their backsides was funny.

BEEEEP

Fett, it's Vader. Thanks for solving the mystery of whose ass keeps showing up in my inbox. Forget about capturing him. Adorable little tyke, takes after his father. I remember the many happy days I spent mooning the Jedi Council... I'll go have a talk with him when I get the chance to. I've been meaning to tell him he's mine, but I haven't quite got around to it.

BEEEEP

Boba, it's your brother CT-8459/272. I heard about the care package you sent CT-5674/285 and was wondering if you would send some to the rest of your brothers here at the retirement center. I think there's about twenty thousand of us on this wing. I know the facility was designed to hold up to eighty thousand but Skippy says that they have the place filled to forty thousand above capacity. Well, I hope you can get the packages to us soon. Thanks.

BEEEEP

We are now filling your order of 120,000 hand blasters with spare power packs and 40 three-hundred count boxes of I Joined The Rebellion 100 percent cotton T-shirts. It will be shipped to the Imperial Center Clone Troop Retirement Facility within the week. Thank you for shopping at Mega Mando Mart. Remember, shopping in bulk saves.

BEEEEP

Bob'ika, this is Kal. We have to talk. What is it you hate so much about your family that you would be willing to send over a hundred thousand of your brothers to their deaths?

BEEEEP

Boba, it's Jabba. Look, can you find time to drop by some time next week to go threaten a few smugglers? Thanks. Look forward to seeing you then. Bye.

BEEEEP

Boba, it's Sintas. You won't believe what your daughter has just done. If you were around more often these kind of things wouldn't happen. I've called and told you about a million times that she needs a father figure in her life. But no, you have to spend all of your time either wandering around the galaxy or posing for Jabba. Couldn't you have taken her on at least one weekend visit?

BEEEEP

Bob'ika, it's Kal. Guess what time of year it is. That's right, it's another annual family picnic. I'd be glad if you came.

BEEEEP

Mom died while she was out getting me a birthday present. It's your fault. I hate you daddy and if I find you I'm going to kill you with a sharpened spoon.

BEEEEP

Boba, it's Jabba. How'd you like to hang around the palace for a couple of months?

BEEEEP

Fett, it's Han. Bet you can't catch me. Pbbbbbbt.

BEEEEP

Man, issues much? You'd think that someone could tell the difference between a fart and a raspberry. What was that thing about your father? Do you want to talk about it?

BEEEEP

Boba, this is Taun We. While I appreciate that you consider me a part of your family. I would much rather that you not call me Mommy and send me pieces of folded flimsiplast with glitter glued on it. The glitter gets everywhere and is nearly impossible to clean up.

BEEEEP

Fett, this is Vader. I have decided to hire bounty hunters to capture that hooligan that my son hangs out with. The pay is 100,000 plus expenses. You can even sell him to that lardass Jabba when I'm done with him. Do you want in?


	4. C3PO and R2 during ESB

Hello, I am C-3PO, human cyborg relations. And this is my voicemail inbox.

BEEEEP

Mr. C-3PO your application for a professorship at the Baobab School of Speed Learning's Language department had been rejected on the grounds that your lectures have been described as long winded, boring, dreadfully boring, "I can't learn in this environment", and "If he keeps talking, I'm committing suicide".

BEEEEP

Hey Threepio it's Luke, I'm taking a correspondence course in Mando'a and I found something that I think perfectly describes you, Mirsh'kyramud. Mir'osik comes a close second

BEEEEP

BEEEEEE WHOOOOO BLOOP PFFFFFT

BEEEEP

Threepio, it's Luke, why'd you try to dismantle R2 yesterday? You know I need him more than I need you. If you try again, it'll be you that's dismantled.

BEEEEP

Threepio, it's your maker. Stop thanking me, it's getting annoying.

BEEEEP

Hurry up goldenrod or you'll get left behind again. I still don't know how you caught up with us last time.

--

BLORP BLOOP BLEEEP WHOOOOOO.

BEEEEP

R2-D2 where are you? You should have been here half an hour ago. If we get left behind, it will be all your fault.

BEEEEP

BEEEP BLORP BUH WHOOO SCREEEECH

Translation: Hey, it's your old pal R4. Would you mind putting me on the cargo manifest for the next ship off Tatooine? Thanks.

BEEEEP

Your next scheduled memory wipe is in THIRTY SIX days.

BEEEEP

R2 the next time you say something like that to me and roll off I'm going to tell Chewbacca exactly what BEEPLE MEEEP ORK means.

BEEEEP

Your memory wipe has been rescheduled to take place in SEVEN HUNDRED YEARS, SIX days.

BEEEP

Hello Mr. R2-D2, you have been pre-qualified for an Galactic Imperial Mastercard.

BEEEEP

Artoo, it's Luke. Tell you what, I'll give you those rocket things you where whining about if you find some way to heat my quarters without melting them.

BEEEEP

R2-D2 Where are you?

--

Sorry if this isn't as funny as the last few chapters. Sorry I took so long to update it as well. I was sort of running out of ideas.


	5. Solo's Smuggling Days

Author's Note: For this one I decided to do Han Solo's smuggling days, and for the fun of it, I decided to have him be the guy to get anything and send it just about anywhere. And, I do mean anywhere.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Hello, you've reached Solo and Chewbacca shipping, If we can cram it into our ship, we'll fly it anywhere. For a reasonable fee of course. Leave a message after the beep.

BEEEEP

This is Londo Molari of the Centauri Republic. I want you to transport something called a Polka Band from a small planet called Earth to our Colony on Ragesh Three. I want to surprise my nephew.

BEEEEP

Hello, I am called Chrestomanci, I want to get something cute, fluffy, and unique for my daughter Julia's birthday, but don't have the time to go shopping. I was wondering if you could find something suitable for me and watch it for a couple of days. I'll just pop over when I'm ready to get it.

BEEEEP

Roar! Huff, Huff, Chuckle, Gurgle Roar!

Translation: Your Mother was a hampster, and your father smelt of elderberries.

BEEEEP

This is Ambassador Molari. When I say a Polka band, I mean a Polka band. I don't care what you think of them. The lead singer of the "Rock" band you brought, who I might add is addicted to a variety of narcotics, decided to give his audience a "Golden Shower". My nephew's naming day is ruined, and I blame you. I think I'll send the associates of an acquaintance of mine to go after you, instead of invading the Narn Homeworld as I had planned.

BEEEEP

E.T. Go Earth. See El-i-ot. Give Plant.

BEEEEP

The present for my daughter was entirely unsuitable. Furry handcuffs were not what I had in mind. I'm only going to give you a third of your commission. Remember, if you need me, just say Chrestomanci three times and I'll come. You'd better hope that my services aren't on par with yours when I do.

BEEEEP

This is Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. I'm throwing a party next week, and I need 15 cases of Romulan Ale, 6 cases Klingon Blood Wine, 500 Andorian sausages, a rubber hose and a mallet. I need them all by Friday at the latest.

BEEEEP

This is the Doctor, where the hell is my TARDIS? This is just a Police Box you idiot.

BEEEEP

This is Elrond of the High Council of Elves. I need a ring transported to a Volcano in the land of Mordor and tossed in. Payment given on proof of destruction.

BEEEEP

I am Arthur, King of the Britons, and I am seeking a Holy Grail, the French took ours.

BEEEEP

I need you to bring a blue Police Box to the location I gave you last month. Send the bill to the Doctor.

BEEEEP

Hello, this is Colnel O'neal, I need you to go to the coordinates given below. You will find a large stone ring with symbols on it somewhere on the planet indicated. I want you to bring this ring back to Earth. Please do it fast, If you don't there might not be an Earth to deliver it to.

BEEEEP

This is Elrond again. I didn't hear from you, so I sent a bunch of idiots out to do the job you were supposed to do. If I have another job, I know who not to call.

BEEEEP

Solo, this is Jabba, I've got a job that even you can't mess up. I want you to bring me a load of Glitterstim from Kessel. Do you think you could handle that?


	6. Jango Fett in Tipoca City

Author's Note: I had been flagging in inspiration for my story, until I came across Mathematica's collaborative fic titled Inbox. I recommend that you take a look at it. Not only is it hilarious, but you can contribute to it if you want to. Thanks to Mathematica's inspiration, I give you this chapter. As always I don't own Star Wars. Now on with the chapter.

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_This is Jango Fett's Inbox. You know what to do. If you don't, I truly pity you. If it's worth my time, I'll get back to you._

BEEEP.

Jango, it's Taun We. Must I remind you yet again that I am not a babysitter, nor is my laboratory a daycare? While it is admirable that you want to provide for your son, I would rather that you did not leave him in my care while you are working. I've had to replace all of my equipment twice in the last month alone. I will, as always forward you the bill.

BEEEP

Hey Jango, it's Jabba. I heard that that brat of yours trashed your apartment again. How would you like to make money for repairs and get away for a little while?

BEEEP

Jango, it's me Kal. I don't know what your kid said to piss my boys off this time, but I caught them trying to burn him at the stake. Fortunately they were outside at the time.

BEEEP

Jango, it's Tyrannus. While I can't make the debt you owe for your son destroying the entire historical sector of Tipoca city vanish, I can however give you a job that will give you enough credits to make a sizable dent in it.

BEEEP

Jango, it's Zam. Listen, over the past ten years I've tried waiting for you to make the first move. I've tried being subtle. I've tried being a little less than subtle, but you've been too dense to understand what I was getting at.

**[Image Censored For Nudity] **

Now do you get it, or do I have to further spell it out for you?

BEEEP

Jango, it's Rav. The next time you go out, could you pick up a crate or two of "Necessary Supplies"? Not all of us ladies you hired to train your commandos have hit menopause yet, and thanks to your "Nobody leaves Kamino" rule, a we are running really low. I'll forward a list of preferred types and brands later.

BEEEP

Kal again. The boys went fishing again, and used your son as bait yet again. Why they keep fishing in the 'fresher I'll never know.

BEEEP

I'll "I prefer brunettes" you, you son of a [deleted for profanity] Kowakian monkey lizard and a [deleted for profanity] Giant space slug! I hope you fall into the [deleted for profanity]-ing Sarlaac you [deleted for profanity].

BEEEP

This is Kol Sai. I was wondering if the family history report you filled out was entirely accurate. Are you sure that insanity doesn't run in your family? Quality Control Officer Ji Wu caught your "son" running through the Infantry mess hall wearing a towel tied around his neck and what appears to be an undergarment of some sort on his head. When questioned about his behavior, he claimed to be someone called Saiyaman.

BEEEP

Jango, it's Kal again. That kid of yours sure has a mouth on him. Whatever he said this time must've been worse than usual. The boys had tied him to an anchor and were about to drop him over the the edge of the city.

BEEEP

I saw your ad in the Galactic Times under Bounty Hunter Desperate for Work, and was wondering if you could run security for the Slappy the Clown Show's galactic tour. The job pays ten credits an hour, and as many cream pies as you can eat.

BEEEP

This is Kol Sai again. Are you sure there weren't any genetic disorders in your family? Quality Control Officer Lu Wan caught your "son" running naked through the live-fire obstacle course. When he was ordered to dress, he refused. In my studies of human children, I learned that they go through some sort of nudity phase between one and three years old. The fact that your son is going through this phase now leads me to believe that he may be developmentally delayed.

BEEEP

Jango, this is Zam. I don't even know why I ever bothered. On our last job together, I turned into a brunette for you and you didn't even notice. I guess the whole having a clone for a son thing should've been a big warning sign. What I'm trying to say is, from now on it's strictly business between us.

BEEEP

Jango, it's Vau, I thought it best to inform you that you son is in the medical wing in critical condition. Apparently the little _Di'kut_ decided to pull Mird's tail. It seems that Jaster got his last wish. That brat's just like you were at that age.

BEEEP

Jango, it's Tyrannus. I've got a job for you. Lord Sidious wants the senator from Naboo dead. From what he told me, there's a very good chance you could fail and be killed by Jedi. Are you up for it?


End file.
